Nine Angry Men

Well, the Republican presidential candidates invaded Des Moines and spoke at the Lincoln Day Dinner last Saturday night, nine of them in all, each one brimming with fresh new ideas about how to wrest the GOP out of the hands of the warmongers, religious fanatics, and the rest of the Bush crime gang.

Nah, not really. Despite the fact that voters last November made it clear that we don’t want any more American lives lost or American dollars wasted in Iraq, these brave mavericks pretty much toed the Bush line and agreed that the best way to fight worldwide terrorism is to keep a large chunk of our military resources in one central location. Yeah, I don’t know, I don’t see the logic, either.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s hilarious that the Republican Party can’t find one person with the nuts to stand up and denounce Bush as the worst threat to the Constitution in US history. Hell, I think it’s hilarious that they aren’t even looking for someone with the aforementioned nuts.

Anyway.

On Sunday the Des Moines Register printed a page with concise descriptions of each candidate and what he had to say at the dinner. What am I gonna pass that up?

Sam Brownback, US Senator from Kansas
Here’s a quote from the Register: “[Brownback] also said America must focus on things like good manners and courtesy and should go after recording artists and companies that teach children such things as degradation of women.”

Seriously, that’s what it says in the paper. What does he mean, “America should ‘go after’ recording artists”? On what grounds? Is he going to send the National Guard into recording studios? Brownback also has quite a reputation as a fervent pro-lifer, so he knows that women should not be degraded, but rather forced to bear unwanted children.

Also, it was funny enough when Bush said he wanted to be the education president, but here’s a guy who wants to be the good manners president. Glad to see you’re taking it seriously there, Sam.

John Cox, a businessman from Chicago
This guy actually said “We want principles back in our government. We want true fiscal discipline. We want more effective government in Washington, D.C.,” which, I have to admit, is the exact opposite of what’s going on there now. Listen to what John Cox has to say now, because in about six weeks the media will have ignored him into oblivion.

Jim Gilmore, former governor of Virginia
This guy had the scariest picture of the nine, and that’s saying something. According to the Register, Gilmore says America must support troops [see previous post, “A Quick Plug”] and stand by them, adding that “Withdrawing troops is not an option because religious extremists in the Middle East will not give up.”

Gilmore knows the way to a Republican audience’s heart is the scary quote. Of course, he knows scary quotes are most effective when you have to fill in the blank yourself. Here he wants us to believe that religious extremists won’t give up until they’ve conquered the free world. I think he’s talking out his ass and suspect most rational people do too.

Rudy Giuliani, whose name I often misspell
Giuliani is one of the most embarrassing Bush suck-ups on the circuit, having adopted the poor dope’s tendency to say things that wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny in a junior high debate. Here in Des Moines he said the Republicans are the party that realizes “energy independence is a matter of national security.”

So we’ve completely destabilized Iraq in order to keep sucking out their oil, which makes us independent how? I suppose it’s possible that Rudy meant we’re just going to keep overthrowing Middle Eastern governments until all the oil is ours. Bingo! Energy independence!

Rudy also said “How could it make sense to give a schedule for removing troops from Iraq just when you’re going to deplete your forces to your enemy?” proving yet again that the complete disregard for syntax is another fine example of the Bush legacy.

Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas
The Register page neglected to give Huckabee’s position on Iraq, but since it quoted him as saying “I believe life begins at conception and we ought to protect human life,” I can only assume that he’s angry about the hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis and strongly opposed to keeping American men and women in harm’s way. You read it here first, folks.

John McCain, tissue in the wind
More scary quotes from the man with no soul. He admits the war has been mismanaged but just can’t remember where he left the cojones required to go the extra mile and say it was mismanaged by a smirking asswipe who wouldn’t know the truth if it bit him in the flightsuit. McCain says that if American troops leave Iraq, terrorists will follow them home. I’ve heard this argument more than once, but I don’t see the logic. If I were a terrorist, why the hell would I want to follow a bunch of heavily armed people? And if they really want to invade America, why wouldn’t they do it while our military is bogged down a million miles away?

Do they not know how to get here? Is that why they have to follow us home?

McCain also asked “Where is the intellectual honesty if you think that you’re sending young Americans into harm’s way in a futile effort?” Jesus H. Load of Brickbats, McCain, at some point you have to look around and try to figure out what the effort is. What’s the mission? What are we still doing occupying this place after four freakin years? Grow some intellectual honesty and ask yourself that.

Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts
Romney says we need to send 100,000 more troops to Iraq and increase spending to make sure they have the proper tools and technology. Tsk tsk—another one of those tax-and-spend conservatives.

Can you tell I’m growing bored with this post? Can you blame me for not getting excited about a bunch of guys whose ideas aren’t going to benefit the average American in the least? Ah well. Two to go.

Tom Tancredo, US Representative from Colorado
Tancredo’s pet issue is illegal immigration, and he says illegal immigrants are overcrowding our schools, overcrowding our prisons, and driving our hospitals out of business. Frankly, as long as Tom DeLay’s free to walk the streets I don’t think anyone can complain about prison overcrowding, but that’s another story. Here’s the key with Tancredo: He says “American and Western civilization is in a crisis,” which translates, of course, into “Save us white folk from the Mexican hordes.”

Tancredo equates abortion with “embracing the culture of death,” a meaningless line he copped from Bush or the pope or Scary Quote of the Day dot com.

Tommy Thompson, former governor of Wisconsin
Tommy says he has a common-sense plan to help stabilize the Middle East: Allow territories in Iraq to govern themselves. Then, of course, if they don’t govern themselves the way we want them to, we can always bomb the hell out of them.

Here’s a pretty laughable quote from Thompson: “I am so sick of those pessimists in Congress, those liberal Democrats who get up in the morning and eat grapefruit and suck lemons all day. I want a party with people with…humor and ideas and ideals and that’s the Republican Party.”

The Republicans are the humor party now?! Tell you what, I bet Tommy’ll wish he’d had some lemons and grapefruit when all the Republicans come down with scurvy.

If these are the nine best candidates the Republicans have to offer, can you imagine who didn't make the cut? Ah well. With three pages about these creepy Republicans behind me, I have to go shower.