Friday, April 06, 2007

Maybe They’ll Get Pat Boone To Do Their Theme Song

Are you familiar with the Christian Exodus movement? It’s an organized effort to persuade Christians to relocate to specific legislative districts in South Carolina in order to take over the government. They feel the current federal government has unjustly usurped its powers, and say they want to “return to the model of governance of a constitutional republic.”

A lofty goal. And on the surface, given the autocratic machinations of the Bush regime, one we all might feel a bit of empathy with.

The C-Exers also take a strong stand against religious persecution, noting that “people of all faiths must have the same rights and freedoms guaranteed to them under law.” Neither will they tolerate any racial discrimination in their Brave New South Carolina.

Right on, right?

Not so much. It pretty much goes down the tubes right after that.

Because when you take a close look at the Christian Exodus website, you’ll see that what it boils down to is this: “We need our own sovereign nation because this big mean one refuses to let us force Christian prayers on non-Christian students in school. Oh, and because we need a place where homos aren’t protected by laws.”

Honestly. That’s the gist of it.

They just aren’t into that “liberty and justice for all” thing.

The website is an interesting read, depending on your level of tolerance for unmitigated bullshit. They have a whole list of alleged ways in which the current government infringes on their liberties, so let’s start there:

• Abortion continues against the wishes of many States and in violation of the reserved powers of the States under the 10th Amendment.

This is the first item in their list, and it’s a perfect example of the movement’s rather bizarre definition of liberty, to wit: “We have the liberty to force you to bear children.”

• Christians are denied their rights to free speech, freedom of the press, the display of religious monuments, and other expressions of faith in the public sphere.

Boy, they’re still honked off about Crazy Roy Moore, aren’t they? Dammit, they want the liberty to use everyone’s tax dollars to promote their religion, even if it means taking over South Carolina and turning it into the 5000-Pound Ten Commandments Monument Capital of the World.

• Men, women, and children are involuntarily exposed to the corrupting influences of homosexuality, pornography, and other perversities protected and financed by the national government.

What, we have socialized porn now? What perversities are being financed by the national government? This is a case where some links to actual examples would be helpful, particularly if you’re trying to avoid ridicule. I have no idea what they mean here. In a free society, you’re going to run across some corrupting influences now and again. Whether you choose to be corrupted by them is your business.

That said, I don’t think children should be exposed to pornography, either—but I suspect the C-Exers’ definition is far more inclusive than mine, and that it includes Playboy, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and the MacNeil-Lehrer Report.

Either way, if you’re keeping score, none of the items covered so far actually infringe on the liberties of the members of the Christian Exodus movement.

• Sodomy is now legal and celebrated as "diversity" by order of the U.S. Supreme Court rather than condemned as perversion.

Aside from the rather hysterical notions that a sexual position can be “celebrated” as diversity and that the Supreme Court has ordered it so, and aside from the fact that decriminalizing sodomy in no way infringes on the liberties of those who choose not to perform it (bringing the total of infringed liberties to a solid zero), this item is a classic example of something these people spend way too much time thinking about. Have you noticed that? They’re obsessed with sodomy. They’re obsessed with other men’s rear ends. I’ll bet they have secret copies of Naked Lunch with their favorite sections dog-eared and highlighted. Hell, I’ll bet I don’t spend as much time thinking about women as these moral crusaders do thinking about men (and yes, the board of directors of the Christian Exodus movement, the ones who presumably wrote their creed, are all men). Folks, it’s none of your business. Grow up.

• Children who pray in public schools are subject to prosecution.

The nice thing about the internet is that when you have a point to prove, a point that might require some sort of evidence, you can just link directly to it. In this case, the Christian Exodudes could have linked to that famous story about the police busting up the big school prayer ring and the DA indicting all those kids on prayer charges.

Of course, maybe there’s no link because there’s no such story. And maybe there’s no such story because children who pray in public schools are not subject to prosecution.

I think the Christian Exodus movement is counting on the fact that the audience they’re trying to reach aren’t exactly known for their critical thinking skills.

• Our schools continue to teach the discredited theory of Darwinian evolution.

It’s worth pointing out that the only people even trying to discredit the theory of evolution also believe there were dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark. And that there was such a thing as Noah’s Ark.

Now, the Christian Exodus website also says that if they can’t achieve their goals within the United States (in other words, if the law gets in the way), they’d consider seceding from the union as a last resort.

Well, if you must, you must. Don’t let the Constitution hit you in the ass on the way out.

Some Final Thoughts

I don’t have the capital to pull this off, but if these people manage to secede from the US and have their own little Aren’t-We-Holy Land, I have a feeling that some entrepreneur could make a tremendous fortune by setting up booze-and-porn emporiums all around the borders in North Carolina and Georgia.

And by the way, even though they say on their website that they have no desire to establish a theocracy, you can find evidence to the contrary just a few paragraphs away. I found this a bit confusing, so I called the CE headquarters to see if they could enlighten me.

Runes: Hello there. It says on your website that the Christian Exodus movement is not interested in forming a theocracy—
CE Guy: That is correct. No interest at all. No theocracy for us.
Runes: But it also states your intention to rewrite the state constitution to include such things as recognizing the Ten Commandments as the foundation of law.
CE Guy: You bet.
Runes: Doesn’t that sound like a theocracy to you?
CE Guy: A theocracy? No! That’s crazy! Wait—a theocracy is slices of ham, turkey, and bacon between two slices of bread, isn’t it?
Runes: No, that’s a club sandwich.
CE Guy: Oh. Well, maybe we do want a theocracy.

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