Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Conditional Omnipresence

This is the expanded version of a comment I posted at another blog. It’s based on a t-shirt that’s popular with people who want desperately to believe they’re being persecuted.

Dear God,
Why is there so much violence in schools?

Concerned Student

Dear Concerned Student,
I’m not allowed in school.
God

Dear God,
I thought you were all omnipotent and omnipresent and whatnot.
Student


Dear Student,
Oh, I’m one all-powerful mofo when the Dobsons and the Falwells and the Hovinds of the world need somebody to create an entire freakin universe in less than a week. But when they go into “poor persecuted us” mode, I’m a wimpy little deity who can’t get past a second-grade hall monitor.
God

Dear God,
Now I’m confused.
Student


Dear Student,
Sorry. I should have made it more clear that I was joking in my first letter. You think anybody tells me where I can and can’t go? As if! I’m everywhere, man! I’m in the schools, I’m in your house, I’m in the emergency box of condoms in Newt Gingrich’s glove compartment! Nobody gives me permission to go anywhere, baby, because I’m already there.
The G

Dear God,
So why IS there so much violence in schools?
Student


Dear Student,
Well, not to get all philosophical on you, but you’re arguing from a false premise. Anytime some armed-to-the-teeth headcase snaps is one time too many, but if you look at the percentages, you can see it’s still a very rare occurrence. Of course, it’s easy to be misled by the round-the-clock news coverage. I think those people must really get off on scaring people.
God

Dear God,
Then maybe the question should be “Why don’t you do something to prevent the admittedly rare instances of violence in schools?”
Student


Dear Student,
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s not the question at all. First off, it’s too long to put on a t-shirt. Second, these self-important so-called religious leaders don’t want you to think about that question because they don’t like the answer. They don’t like to admit that I’m just here to observe. I’m auditing this universe, taking it pass/fail, as it were. I just wanted to see what would happen if I squeezed a bunch of atoms together and let ‘em explode. The results have been fascinating, but I’ve taken a hands-off approach from Day One. If people want to say that means I work in mysterious ways, well—whatever gets you through the night, you know?
God

Dear God,
So it sounds like I’m being manipulated by—


Dear Student,
Sorry to interrupt your letter, but yeah, you’re being manipulated by people who are clinging to the childish notion that because school-sponsored prayer is unconstitutional, it’s somehow illegal for kids to pray in school. Hell, we’re both being manipulated, kid. Believe me, if I cared at all, the only prayer I’d care about was a sincere one.
G

Dear God,
Thanks for the correspondence. Do you have any final words of wisdom for me?
Student


Dear Student,
Pay attention in school, keep a clean nose, and don’t believe everything you read on a t-shirt.
G

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