FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Earthquake Result of Shift in Tectonic Plates, Not Divine Retribution
The creator of the universe has issued the following statement about the 5.9 magnitude earthquake that hit the Eastern seaboard of the U.S. this afternoon:
"Before anyone gets the idea that today's earthquake was some sort of divine punishment of people who support same-sex marriage, universal healthcare, taxing the wealthy, or a woman's right to choose, let me just state that nothing could be further than the truth, and that this quake, like all previous quakes in the history of the world, was in fact the result of two tectonic plates getting a little bit stuck and then breaking free.
"I'm issuing this preemptive statement because I know some of you are getting your sound bites ready. I'm looking at you, Pat Robertson. Just keep it to yourself this time. You too, Falwell. Wait, Falwell's dead? OK, well, Limbaugh or Beck or anyone else that sees heavenly retribution when and only when it's convenient to their cause. I don't have time to keep track of them all or remember their names, but I can assure you I find their supernatural interpretations of natural disasters quite tiresome, annoying, and presumptuous. Thank you."