And Now the Non-News

(Or, How the Media Can Redeem Itself)

An unidentified but technologically proficient ne’er-do-well hacked Paris Hilton’s T-Mobile cell phone and posted the contents on the internet yesterday. Among the electronic swag were celebrity phone numbers, private email correspondence, and suggestive pictures of the blonde socialite and a female friend. “I think it’s disgusting that someone would do such a thing,” said Hilton. “Though in retrospect, it’s hardly as disgusting as invading a sovereign nation on false pretenses and sending young men and women there to die.”

Opening arguments have begun in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial. Prosecutors opened with a litany of the King of Pop’s quirks and accused him of exposing the 13-year-old victim to a variety of strange sexual behavior. In a surprise move, Jackson’s defense attorneys responded with a question: “Why are there so many reporters covering this trial when they could be writing stories about how the White House knowingly leaked classified information to a neo-con operative and gay prostitute?”

Are they or aren’t they? Just weeks after separating, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston shared a romantic dinner on Valentine’s Day, leading to speculation that reconciliation is imminent. Dining at their Los Angeles mansion, the estranged couple enjoyed Chinese food from their favorite restaurant and expressed utter disbelief that the President of the United States thinks people are ignorant enough to fall for his “Social Security crisis” routine.

In local news, firefighters in West Smalltown rescued 93-year-old Mildred Fern’s cat Spunky from a tree Tuesday afternoon. “We’re always glad to help people in need,” said Fire Chief Rex Putnam. “It sure beats taking away individual freedoms in favor of corporate interests and religious fundamentalism like a certain Bush administration I can think of.”